Jungle Jane does it Again by Patrick Colin Jackson (f/m, qs) The big luxury van cruised along a dirt road through the bayou. 'Perfect scenery,' 17-year-old Charlotte told herself, 'if what you want is the location for a jungle movie...' Which was cool, because that's what she and her strikingly-attractive friends were there to shoot. Charlotte had just gotten away from cheerleading practice and was still in uniform. So was her 16-year-old co-captain, Jane, who was there with her 18-year-old boyfriend Geoff. He was the movie's writer/producer/director. Jane was the film's star, while Charlotte was a humble driver and cameraperson ... even though both girls were as blonde and beautiful as you could hope for. Another production assistant was Ian, Jane's loyal and cute 13-year-old brother, whom Charlotte and the entire cheer squad just loved. By the same token, Ian thought Geoff was the coolest dude in the galaxy. So did Geoff's 10-year-old sister Julie, who was every bit as cute and loyal as Ian. "Okay, Charlie," Ian looked up from the Thomas Guide he'd been following. "We're here. Stop the ride." "Where should I park?" Charlotte asked him, not wanting to screw up the van's paint job. Ian pointed out a dried-up spot near the water's edge, and that was where she parked. The youngsters disembarked, all dressed in typical rich-kid clothes which Cher Horowitz would have been proud of. Cher would have been proud of many things about Ventura High, not lastly the easy access to expensive home-movie-making equipment ... such as that which the kids now unloaded form Charlotte's van: a tripod; a fancy video-camera; two partly-zipped tote bags, one crammed with jewelry and expensive beauty products, the other crammed with blank videocassettes; a heavy ice-chest; a genuine leather suitcase; a compact disc "wallet"; a clapboard; a ghetto-blaster; a bullhorn, a folding chair and a bungee cord. These youngsters were going to make a jungle film exactly the way everybody did everything else at Ventura High ... in style. Geoff spoke into the bullhorn, even though nobody was further away than thirty feet. "Alright, folks ... stopwatch running. Let's set 'n' shoot. Yo Janie ... bring me the case, huh?" "Hey, bro! Chill! We're not deaf!" Julie complained. Geoff lowered the bullhorn. "Hey ... I'm the director, okay? I can't be sure I'm doin' good unless I feel like a director." While Ian helped Charlotte mount the camcorder, Jane handed the suitcase to Geoff. Then she called her brother over. "Hey, Ian? Can you give me a hand with this stuff?" She indicated her makeup. Charlotte told Ian that she had everything under control with the camera, so he ran to his sister with one of the tote bags. He spent the next few minutes helping Jane don her jewelry and apply her makeup. Geoff opened the suitcase to reveal several copies of the screenplay which was his pride and joy: /The Magnificent Adventures of Jungle Jane/. He skimmed several pages, smiling broadly. Then he whistled and pitched one of the copies to Jane, who caught it deftly while Ian finished glossing her lips. As Geoff unfolded his chair and sat to read further, Julie approached him. She was lugging the ghetto-blaster. "What are we gonna shoot first, Geoff?" "You checked the batteries, right?" She indicated her pockets, which held lots of spare batteries. "Great. Thanks, Julie." He kissed her. "How do you like being a movie star?" She kissed him back. "Let me at 'em." Geoff whistled again. "Where's the music?" Jane handed Ian the CD-wallet she had left the van with. Ian brought it to Geoff. "Let's hear our selection, Ian," he said. Ian proceeded to read: "... Ancient Future ... Phil Glass ... Jan Hammer ... Kitaro ... Pat O'Hearn ... Tangerine Dream ... John Tesh ..." Geoff cut him off. "No, kid. No ... we want music that's gonna pump things up, not put people to sleep." "Sorry, Geoff. The only other stuff we got is, like, Anthrax ... Kiss ... Beastie Boys ... Poison ... this 'All-time Sixties Go-go Classics' ... Guns 'N' Roses ..." Geoff leaped almost a yard, straight up out of his chair. "Hey, that's it! Perfect! Gimme!" He grabbed Guns 'N' Roses and shoved it in the ghetto-blaster. Ian rolled his eyes. "I hope you know what you're doing, man." "Of course, pal. Why do you think I'm the director?" Charlotte called over that the camera was ready. Then Jane reappeared, having stripped down to a tiger-print leotard with long sleeves and a high neck. She also wore high-heeled shoes, attire which didn't really capture the "Tarzan's Daughter" mood. There's always something about a jungle movie where "Sheena" has on high-heels, jewelry and makeup in the swamp. Jane, on that note, looked more like one of Josie's Pussycats. "I'm confused here," she told her boyfriend. "Are we shooting a jungle movie or a beauty pageant?" "Relax, Janie," was Geoff's response. "You look delicious." Embarrassed, she tried to smile as Geoff turned to Julie. "So where's the quicksand I ordered?" Julie responded by indicating a large carpet of leaves over mud, all framed by a grove of palm trees. "Just a minute!" Jane cut in. "I have to drop into /quicksand/?" Geoff tried to calm her down. "Hey, a jungle movie without quicksand is like a slasher film without sex scenes. Relax, that's why I brought the bungee cord." Jane looked resignedly at Geoff. "Okay ... You better be right about this." He kissed her. "Seriously, that getup looks adorable on you. Did I ever tell you that?" Before she could react, he turned away. "Never mind." Geoff double-checked to make sure everything and everybody was ready. They were, so he proceeded to explain the action to Jane: she was supposed to be running from some (nonexistent) bad guys (whose footage Geoff had shot a week before). She would charge out of some thick foliage, dive into the bayou and swim to the other side, climb out and run toward the palm trees ... plunging into the quicksand in the process. Geoff ordered everyone to take their places. Jane, in her high heels and jungle-print leotard, crouched in some not-too-distant bushes. Geoff cued the music, and Julie hit the play button on his ghetto-blaster. Instantly, the area was flooded with Axl Rose's screeching of "Welcome To the Jungle". "Roll 'em! Quiet on the set!" Geoff called. "Rolling!" came the response from Charlotte and Ian. "And ... ACTION!" Jane charged out of the bushes, looking over her shoulder from time to time. She leaped into the bayou and began to swim. 'Too bad i'm supposed to be in a flight for my life,' she thought. 'This feels so nice.' It was unusually good exercise, too ... since she swam with smooth, powerful freestyle strokes. In this way, her wet sleeves would cling to her arms each time she lifted one from the water. And she loved the way her leotard would stick to her back whenever her derriere broke the surface of the bayou ... which was quite often indeed. After about a minute and a half (not nearly long enough for her liking) Jane lifted herself out of the water and ran to the palm grove. There she stepped on the carpet of leaves and sank up to her hips in slimy quicksand. Barely able to move her legs, she groped for an overhead frond, which was just out of reach. The warm and sticky mire crept up to Jane's waist, making her feel like a pacifier in a baby's mouth. The feel of it was so good, in fact, that her first impulse was to just loll in the quicksand and enjoy it. Yet she realized Geoff would not take that well; jungle-movie heroines aren't supposed to look excited or happy while sitting in swamp-sludge. "Love it. Love it!" Geoff crowed, referring to the scene and her thesping. "Okay! So far, so good," Jane responded. "Now how do I get out of this gook?" "That's where I come in, Janie." With that, Geoff stood and stripped down to a pair of leopard-print jockey shorts ... and absolutely nothing else. He stepped in front of the camera and spent the next few seconds flexing. Finally he turned back to Jane, struck one final pose and spoke in his best caveman-voice: "Cute lady no fear. Me, Geoff of the Jungle, come save!" 'Geoff of the Jungle? So much for a politically correct adventure film,' Jane thought as her boyfriend climbed halfway up the nearest pine tree. With a fairly-convincing Tarzan-yell, he grabbed the nearest palm-frond and swung on it over the quicksand to reach Jane. No sooner did he catch her wrist that the frond gave way and Geoff landed smack in the mire beside Jane. A horrible truth dawned for him. "Why, you crazy moron!" Geoff shrieked. "This is quicksand! This is /real/ quicksand!" Jane had to say it. "No shit, genius." "Sorry about this, Geoff," Ian called from behind the video-camera he was manning. "I tried making some fake quicksand at home, but it looked ... well, fake. Then I noticed this while scouting our location, and ..." Geoff, however, was no longer listening. He was too hysterical to listen. "Omigodimsinkingjanedosomething!" In trying to fight his way to shore, Geoff inadvertently splashed quicksand in Jane's face. "Hey, don't look at me!" Jane protested, shielding her face and hair from the flying quicksand with only partial success. "I'm stuck, too!" Ian, Julie and Charlotte were - in spite of themselves - giggling at the spectacle Geoff was making of himself. Finally, Charlotte threw the bungee cord to her trapped friends. It wasn't long enough, however, and the desperate Geoff was making things even worse by trying to climb onto Jane's shoulders to escape the quicksand. That was when brave little Julie took charge. Gripping one end of the bungee cord, she dropped into the quicksand, which came to her waist. Then she fell on her belly in the mire and began crawling - sort of swimming - through it to reach her brother and Jane. 'Gosh, I could get used to this heroine business,' Julie thought, as the quicksand licked her small body, which had been toned by years of gymnastics lessons. Snapping back to it, she helped Jane get her arms back above the mire. Then she handed Jane her end of the bungee cord, which was very taut ... especially since Charlotte and Ian were straining on it from the bog's edge. Despite managing to flatten herself on the quicksand, Jane still had her hands full ... gripping the bungee cord with one and Geoff with the other. Julie decided to try and make things easier by pulling herself up onto Jane's back, and gripping Geoff so he wouldn't sink. It worked: calling up all her strength, Jane dragged herself and both her friends through the quicksand to safety. They sprawled on the bank, covered with slime and catching their breath. A look of panic crossed Ian's face. He rushed over to check the video-camera, then came back looking rather guilty. "Uhm ... guys? Could we do that again from the top?" Everyone looked at him incredulously. "I forgot to take off the lens cap." Then he whipped it out from behind him. "Gotcha!" Everybody was greatly relieved. .. especially Jane, who charged Ian to give him a big hug. In the process, she (purposely) got quicksand all over his clothes. Abruptly, Charlotte gazed in terror at the spot where they'd parked the van. "Omigod, no! NO!" The dry-looking spot where they'd parked the van was softening up into more quicksand! Charlotte leaped right into the mire and proceeded to half-wade half-swim toward it. Never mind that the quicksand was licking her waist, or that her cheer uniform was getting all muddy. As the mire reached her armpits, Charlotte grabbed the driver's door and opened it. She hoisted herself up out of the quicksand into the driver's seat and started the ignition. The van, however, refused to budge. "Charlotte!" Julie cried. "Charlotte, forget about the van! Just leave it!" "I can't! It's my dad's!" Charlotte hollered back, still struggling with the gearshift. Geoff turned to his girlfriend. "Well, Janie, I don't suppose you'd wanna be a hero twice in one day?" "By going back to get us a tow? Anything for my hero and favorite director ... or at least my favorite director." She grinned and kissed him, then jogged up the road again. As the mire began pouring into the van's windows, Charlotte climbed out of it and back into the quicksand. With great effort, she climbed onto the roof of the van. "Hang in there, Charlie!" Ian called, who was filming everything. "Jungle Jane's on her way back, and I've got more than enough film to last until she does." "I knew you were gonna say that." In spite of herself, Charlotte smiled.